Underperforming Since 1985

Welcome to the awards season, ladies and gentlemen.  Without any further ado, let’s get right into it.  Because I’m somewhat slow, I had to take the images from Getty.  Sorry about the watermarks, y’all.

Up first we have Gossip Girls Leighton Meester and Blake Lively.  I’m not in love with either dress.  The Fug Girls mentioned Leighton’s dress looked like she had toilet paper scrunched up on her shoulders, and they’re kind of right.  The dress looks too big for her, and it bores me quite a bit.  Blake’s dress is  a great color on her, and I’m even okay with the plunging neckline, but I think the slit up the front is a mistake.  It’s too much.  A strong wind at the right angle…

Angela Kinsey looks good in that she’s tiny again (really tiny) after having the baby, and that the fire-engine-red dress is something that her character on The Office would never wear, but I don’t know how I feel about the weird detailing cupping each breast, and now that I think about it, it kind of looks like re-used tissue paper in a gift bag (you know the kind, when you’re too lazy to actually wrap a present?).  Also, it looks like it’s hard to move in.

Parks & Recreation’s Amy Poehler is also looking good after losing the baby weight.  The mermaid-cut dress was popular last night.  She looks good, but it doesn’t do anything for me.  She’s playing it safe.

Then there’s the often-controversial Chloe Sevigny.  She probably gets tired of those weird denim skirts on Big Love, so I can see why she takes fashion risks occasionally. Last night, she made a decent choice while still being a bit unusual–the polka dots add some flair, as does the tiny gold flower at her hip.  Well played.

Of course, we didn’t have great ensembles all-around.  I love Mad Men’s Elisabeth Moss, but this dress was so wrong in so many ways.  It’s frumpy, ill-fitting, weirdly wrinkled, and the necklace thing is so chunky that it cuts off the line of the one-shoulder.  Not a good choice, dearie.

Next up is Hayden Panettierre, who gets a lot of hate from the kids over at ONTD.  I’ve always kind of liked Hayden, partly because I think she’s adorable and partly because she dated Milo Ventimiglia for so long.  I don’t watch Heroes because I don’t hate myself that much, but if I did, it would be because of our girl Hayden here.  I have to say, the dress is working for me.  It’s one of my favorites of the night.  It isn’t outrageous, but it isn’t completely boring, either.

I’ve loved Holly Hunter for a long time (ever since my mom took me to see Living Out Loud–I was like, 13, and I understood it, mostly).  The woman doesn’t seem to age.  It’s a good dress on her.  It’s good enough that I don’t really have anything to say about it.

Does anyone else when Jamie Lynn Sigler was going around as Jamie Lynn Discala and no one really cared?  Then she got divorced and changed it back, and still no one cared?  I wish I didn’t remember shit like that.  At any rate, I know very little about her (she was an exorcise bulimic and she tried–and failed spectacularly–to have a music career some odd years ago), and yet it still feels like I know too much.  The dress is forgettable, but she looks really good in it.

January Jones’ character on Mad Men is absolutely fascinating to watch.  I think that January has an awesome name, is absolutely beautiful, and is terrific on the show, but I cannot get behind this dress.  It looks good on her (homegirl’s got some corset action going on), but I don’t really get it.  I don’t like the sharp angles jutting out on the bodice and the skirt doesn’t seem to go with the top of the dress.  I don’t know.  Disappointment.

Jenna Fischer is one of my favorite actresses, hands down.  Her blog on MySpace is genuine and adorable, and she seems very sweet and super normal.  She has a terrible track record with gowns for events like this, though, so you can imagine my sigh of relief when she appeared on the red carpet wearing this.  She looks really, really good.  It’s not daring, but it’s perfect for her.  Well-played, madame.

Dexter’s Jennifer Carpenter wore one of the most interesting dresses of the night, I think (unless you count Phoebe Price, who I don’t because she does it for attention and I don’t even know who she is outside of the realm of GoFugYourself, anyway).  The beading on the dress is intricate and a bit mesmerizing, and the fact that I’m obsessed with Dexter right now probably creates a certain bias.

I think Mila Kunis is absolutely stunning.  She was so beautiful in Forgetting Sarah Marshall that I completely forgot about how much I hated her character on That 70’s Show.  But this dress?  It reminds me of something a pseudo-alternative girl would wear to prom senior year (you know, if she came from money).  I actually like it, but it doesn’t seem right for the type of event, you know?

Oh Kyra Sedgwick honey, no.  Just, no.  You’re too hot to be wearing something that looks like it came off the rack in the Mother of the Bride section at David’s Bridal.  Bad choice.

Sarah Silverman bragged during her red carpet interview that she helped design this dress and that she loves that it has pockets.  Now, pockets were all the rage a year or two ago, and they weren’t flattering then and they certainly aren’t now.  It creates the most unflattering silhouette I’ve ever seen on a girl that’s really thin.  It’s a great color, and I can’t fault her for that, but the cut is so fucking unflattering.

Toni Collette is so cute. She looks great in this dress, another of my favorites from the night.

There are more dresses worth posting and dissecting, but there are like a hundred blogs and sites out there doing it, and doing a better job than I am.  I’ve been having wicked hard trouble getting pictures to load, so I’m calling it quits.  I’ll see you at the Golden Globes, y’all.